MOVING

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written to this blog. People are wondering whatever happened to me. Well, I’m still here but not exactly where I wanted to be. I have kept the hospice nurses busy with almost daily visits. Some days more than one visit. This disease is doing its best to make sure that I am uncomfortable at best and in misery at worst. A constant configuring and re-configuring of drugs has brought only fragments of relief. The drugs have left me confused and disoriented.

It was my hope to be able to come back to my little shack in the woods to live out my remaining days in comfort with my dog and my cat at my side. Unfortunately, that will not be the case. It has become quite obvious that I need to be where I have access to around-the-clock medical care.  It is with that in mind that I have decided to move to Munson Hospice House in Traverse City.

This has been a difficult decision to make, but now that I have made it I know it’s the right one. It’s a beautiful facility that looks like a large home, nothing says “hospital” about it. There are 8 large rooms with balconies that overlook a woods. There are provisions for overnight guests and a large common area. Meals can be taken in the dining room or room service is provided. Best of all, medical help is on-site 24/7. It sounds like a real nice place where I could be comfortable.

Comfort is what I need and I get a lot from my friends and family. It’s good to know that you are out there, thinking of me. I will continue to write as long as possible. As always, your support is very welcome. We all have a limited number of days on the planet. Let’s do our best to make them good days by being good to each other.

NOT DEAD YET

No big news to report. The things I have put in motion are going according to plan. Today the DirecTV guy will be here to install my new HD receiver in my bedroom. My son and his friend are still here for one more day. My sister will be here this afternoon and will stay until Sunday. On Monday I have an appointment with an attorney in Traverse City. I want to make the transfer of my property as seamless as possible.

Yesterday my son and I visited a local funeral home where I purchased a cremation plan. They will pick up my body and have it cremated and return my ashes to my son. I would like at least some of my ashes to be spread in my beloved woods where I have lived the past 15 years and where I belong. No services will be conducted. In their place, I have suggested everyone have a party. Get drunk and hoist a tankard to me. Tell lots of funny stories and have a good time. That will be much cheaper than a funeral and a whole lot more fun. Do not mourn a death - celebrate a life. We live on in the hearts and minds of friends and family.

Sadie and I are back to our two daily walks. I’m walking slower, but still walking. I plan to walk until it’s no longer possible. My mailbox and paper box are a quarter-mile from my house. Out in the morning for the paper and back in the afternoon for the mail makes a mile a day.

I often find myself in the position of consoling people about my situation. Others are more upset than I am and I have to let them know that it’s OK. My part in this little drama is actually quite easy. The people left behind have to deal with the aftermath. I guess it’s good that my passing will affect so many people. My wish for them is to accept it and to use whatever they can to make their own lives a little better. My advise is to live every day until there are no more days left. That’s what I will be doing.

Thanks to all for your concern and support. We are all a part of the same thing. If you call that thing “God” that’s one way of looking at it.

A FORK IN THE ROAD

After spending several days bouncing from pain to nausea and back, I finally have achieved some balance.  Emerging from the fog of morphine-induced madness, I have reflected on the road before me. After much consideration, I have decided not to take chemotherapy or radiation. I discovered that I dreaded these therapies more than death. It has been very liberating to lift this weight from my mind. I know it is the right decision for me. The thought of making the two hour round trip to Traverse City five days a week for 3 to 6 weeks while feeling sick was just too much to bear. I want to spend my final days here in the woods where I belong with family and friends and my furry companions. I will be contacting hospice today.

To understand this decision, you must have the facts of the situation. This is a terminal disease I have. There is no cure. They don’t even know what causes it. At best, chemo and radiation would buy me some time. At worst, that time would be spent in agony. It’s a crapshoot. Hospice can come to my home and administer pain medication and keep me comfortable. It’s a wonderful program. Two of my closest friends have worked for hospice for years. They are a very valuable asset and I’m fortunate to know them. They assure me I’ll be well taken care of.

As I have stated before, I am not afraid of dying. At some point, I’m sure I will welcome it. Every journey involves some risk and some danger. It’s the curiosity about what may be around the next curve or over the next hill that keeps us on the road. We all know where that road leads but the adventures along the way are the best part of the journey. So - fasten your seat belts. it may be a bumpy ride!

A BUMP IN THE ROAD

I apologize for the delay but I’ve been sick. Pain has been a problem and my doctor changed my pain meds. Unfortunately, the meds make me sick. So right now I’m trying to find that delicate balance between pain and nausea. I have not found it yet but I’m working on it.

I saw the doctor on Wednesday, which is when he changed the meds. He told me I had the common type of pancreatic cancer that 95% of people have when they have pancreatic cancer. He wants another scan - this one a PET scan where they inject you with radioactive sugar and look for tumors. I have some “questionable” spots on my liver and some lymph nodes and he wants to see if that is cancer. This scan will be on Tuesday. On Wednesday I’ll be fitted with my port for chemotherapy and on Thursday I’ll meet with the radiation guy. As for chemo, I’ll be wearing a pump and getting chemo 24/7. No schedule as yet, pending on the test results.

However, my first priority is to get this pain/med thing under control. I have until Tuesday to make this work. If I still don’t feel much better, the scans and other things will have to wait until I do feel better. There is no way I’m going back and forth to those appointments feeling like this!

Thank you all for your concern and your support. It gives me one more reason to go on. My friends have been terrific and are there for me when needed. My son is coming up next week for a few days, then my sister will be here.